Apr 27, 2010 
Ever since Mila was born I have allowed the kids to be independent in their playtime and entertain themselves for the most part. Not that I don’t play with them, but I would give them toys and turn on the Wii or put on a movie and let them make a mess, telling myself all the while that it was in the best interest of my sanity. Then when it came time to clean up the mess, I knew it would be easier to pick up most of it (or all of it) myself. I knew forming these habits would ultimately result in lazy disobedient children but I kept saying “soon I’ll fix it”, and I never did.
The other day by 19 month old told me “no”. I know toddlers say no to their parents, that’s not what irked me. It was the way she said it. She had such a confident manner about her as if she knew that she was in total control of the situation and all she needed to do was verbally refuse my request and I would become exasperated and let her win. I knew I had to make some major changes in our house or I would end up with two disobedient children who will grow into unruly teens and become ill-equipped adults.
I fancy myself as being a pretty good mom. I love my children unconditionally. I feed, cloth, and shelter them. I cuddle them, make them laugh, and play with them. I cook wholesome meals, watch their sugar intake, make sure they brush their teeth, but my parenting technique was lacking. Even though I do all of these things for them, they still have attitudes and disobey. They throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way. If they are never satisfied and thankful for what they have, then how will they grow up to become happy adults who are willing to work hard and appreciate life? When I ask myself what I want for my children my answer is that I want them to be happy. I want them to know God and behave in a godly manner. I want them to be gracious and forgiving. I want them to be thankful and have a pleasant attitude. Yet, I was raising my children to be selfish, impatient, rude, and to walk around with a downright nasty attitude. Fortunately my children are very sweet natured and have flourished inspite of my parenting mistakes so I can only imagine how much better life will be now that I that I recognize the error of my ways.
I decided that obedience was going to become the number one priority in our house – effective immediately. My friend Phyllis told me about a website (raisinggodlytomatoes.com) a few years ago. I went to the website and copied all of the information onto my computer so I will have it readily accessible throughout the day. Now, instead of taking 10 minutes to myself to mope about how difficult it is to keep up with two young children, I sit at the table and read through the information and I am reminded of how important parenting is and I feel motivated to stay consistent and keep with it for the benefit of my children, myself, and those around us.
The basic principles of Tomato Staking are to keep your child close to you at all times. This makes it possible to train them, educate them, and love them throughout the entire day. Every time your child does something they shouldn’t, you correct them. If your child obeys, but does so with a bad attitude, you have them repeat the action, until they can do so with a good attitude. There is a lot more information on the website and Elizabeth (who wrote the book Raising Godly Tomatoes) has wonderful advice on how to deal with all sorts of situations and difficult ages. I am completely committed to this parenting approach because I am completely committed to raising my children to become godly adults. Not to say that your children won’t turn out well if you disagree with the Tomato Staking, but it suits our family’s goals perfectly.
The kids were with their father over the weekend so I introduced the approach when they returned Sunday afternoon. Both children are doing extremely well. They love the attention they are receiving from being at my side all day. We cook together, clean together, read books together, play together.. you get the picture. I make myself involved in what is interesting to them and I involve them in my chores and responsibilities and do my best to make it fun and interesting. I feel like I have been missing out on so much. I am getting to know Matty’s personality more than I ever would have had I continued to let him play Wii all day long. He is so curious and inquisitive about everything! Each thing we do together is an opportunity for me to teach them, love them, and get to know them. Even though I don’t allow them to run the show, they are much happier and I feel that they are infinitely more confident
in my love for them.
So overall they are doing well but I’m sure you know as well as I do that my two small children did not transform into angels over night. There are a few areas where I am still trying to work out kinks.
With Matty I am concerned about his addiction to the Wii (Super Mario Brothers in particular). I let him earn 20 min of play time by collecting tokens he receives instead of an allowance. He must do the chores nicely, with a good attitude, and without being asked in order to receive a token. Just in case that sounds like a pretty high standard – he averages about 10 to 15 tokens a day. I give him 2 min of time on the Wii per token so he saves them all up and cashes them in for some Mario time. I set the timer and when the timer goes off (even if he is in the middle of a “level”) he jumps up and turns the tv off because he knows those are the rules. He doesn’t complain or whine as he would have last week. He knows that he has to obey and he knows that it pleases me (and God) when he does so and that makes him happy. This system is working out pretty well for now, I am just worried about when he starts earning 30+ tokens a day. I don’t want my 4 year old to sit there and veg out for an hour or more playing video games!
I don’t really have any other major concerns with Matty. He has surprised me with his willingness to cooperate and he already understands a good attitude vs a bad attitude. I feel bad for having underestimated him and babied him so much. He is much brighter than I gave him credit for and I didn’t allow him opportunities to shine. When he makes mistakes or chooses to disobey he is easily corrected. He doesn’t have the longest attention span, but he is getting much better. I am extremely proud of him.
As for Mila, she is another story. She doesn’t have the understanding that Matty has so I can’t explain it to her as easily. She cries every time you say “no” to her. She cries if she doesn’t get her way. She hits Matty and throws things at him. She cries when it is time to take a bath. She cries when it is time to go to bed. She, too, is enjoying the increase in “mommy attention” but her training definitely has a way to go. I correct her as gently as possible, trying to show her how to do things nicely and apologize when she hurts her brother. She is very sensitive but she is always very aware of how to get her way and she is so used to getting her way that she has no concept of another way. I will have to focus a lot on her behavior in the following weeks (possibly months or years) until she can enjoy our fellowship as much as Matty does. I have high hopes for her though and I know we’ll get through this rough patch if I stay diligent and consistent.
If any one else is Tomato Staking or would like to share your parenting styles/experiences, I would love to hear about them! I hope everyone has a wonderful week!
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